Home and Away review: Tane makes a lot of grunting noises and riles in pain

Before I even get to the episode I want to bring everyone’s attention to Budget McDreamy, who briefly wears a flat cap.

Now that you have that image in your mind, I shall continue with a recap of this evening’s ridiculous events which centre on Tane making a lot of grunting noises.

Things kick off with Angelo, who is particularly smug today because he thinks he’s on the precipice of nailing Colby for the murder of Ross Nixon now that he’s listening in to his wife’s secret conversations.

Angelo calls Colby into the station to rile him up.

Colby bumps into Taylor on the way and it quickly switches to a shot of Angelo who reaches into a locked drawer and takes out a photo of his wife hooking up with Colby in their not so secret location while listening in, in case we were yet to realise the powers of Taylor’s necklace.

“There’s been a breakthrough with your stepfather’s case,” Angelo tells Colby at the police station.

Angelo says there’s a new witness, exactly what he told Taylor sometime last week and he’s “keen” to hear what the witness has to say.

However the ruse is lost on Colby who shows his superiority by getting cranky.

Colby and Taylor meet up at Salt.

“Do you think it’s a good idea for us to be seen in public,” Taylor says to Colby.

Just a few weeks ago Colby was plying her with very full glasses of chardy but sure, this particular meet-up is more suspicious than that.

They chat in their sultry voices again and it quickly turns to talk of spending the night together.

They escape to a not private location literally in front of the beach while Angelo listens in and googles motels in the area and inquires about recent bookings.

Next up is Mac who wants to get Ari’s mind off Tane who,unbeknownst to them, is doing something dodgy with some dodgy guys about a dodgy stolen van.

And then in the middle of the dark Tane bursts though the doors of some house clutching his stomach and collapses on the floor.

He was glassed in a bar a few weeks ago and wasn’t even phased so I can only assume he’s been shot several times at close range to warrant this sort of reaction.

Anyway it goes to an ad and we’re left in the lurch for quite some time until Mac discovers him on the floor grunting.

He’s rushed to hospital and nurse Jas reads out his vitals. There’s no evidence of gunshot wounds but no one has bothered to ask him what happened.

Tane continues to grunt heavily but manages to get out the words “van” and “Ziggy” which go entirely unnoticed probably because Tori is too busy thinking about her hot appointment sex with Budget McDreamy.

Tori and Budget McDreamy find themselves in the elevator where it all began and the tension between them is apparently palpable — although I’m not feeling it.

But they’re interrupted by Tane’s grunting at which point Tori remembers she’s a doctor and tells him to hang in there and pops his oxygen mask back on him.

Tane makes some joke that he was caught in the act by the woman’s husband and once again no one addresses how he got his injury.

Did Ziggy ran him over with the van? Did the dodgy van people bash him up in the city? Who knows, and the scriptwriters aren’t concerned at all.

The results come in from his tests. He has a tear in his liver and Dr Tori says he needs to rest and hopefully it will be repair itself.

So naturally, Tane unhooks himself from all the wires, gets out of bed and immediately buckles under his own weight.

He’s done a lot of damage and Tori makes the call to rush him to surgery.

Meanwhile Justin is really talking like it’s the end.

But Leah puts on a brave face and reassures the grump she calls her husband and says he’s made the right decision with radiation and it’s going to give him the best chance — which you would if more than one of your husbands had died from the curse.