Adrian Barich: At my most physically and mentally vulnerable, I got sucker-punched by a toddler this week

It’s a truism that most middle-aged blokes think they’re only about 20 sit-ups away from looking like Chris Hemsworth. The reality is they’re probably 20 sit-ups away from needing an ice pack.

I resemble that remark. I did some “heavy duty” weeding at the weekend.

You know the sort of job, clearing the neglected growth around the fence line, raking, sweeping and convincing yourself that this is the sort of thing a fit, healthy person does on a Sunday morning. And guess what, I only did it because Jodie had embarrassed me into it by actually taking over “my job” of mowing the lawn while I was out walking the dog.

Funny thing is, I actually find edging with the old manual edger the most satisfying job. There’s something strangely rewarding about seeing a neat line appear along the garden bed.

It’s also one of the most challenging. Mostly because it reminds me I’m not 25 anymore, despite my brain continuing to insist that I am.

Anyway, after two hours of gardening gymnastics, I was feeling a little sore. My back was talking to me, my hamstrings were tight (from bending over I guess) and I was walking around like I’d just completed a marathon rather than attacked a few weeds. And then, just when I was at my most physically and mentally vulnerable, I got sucker-punched by a toddler. Of all people.

Let me paint the pitiful picture. I had Frankie on the lead, I was walking out of my local cafe and a kindergarten-aged kid, standing with his mum, looked over and said loudly:

“Mum, look at the red dog with the old man.”

Ouch. What’s the expression for when you’re already feeling a little fragile and then someone delivers a comment that goes straight to your solar plexus?

Oh yeah … “adding insult to injury” or “getting kicked when you’re down”.

Kids have an incredible ability to cut through the nonsense. They haven’t learnt diplomacy yet, which is why “out of the mouths of babes” is often followed by a very embarrassed parent.

And thank you to the lovely, red-faced mum who immediately said, “You don’t look that old”. Although, if I’m being honest, I think it was the “that” that hurt the most.

Luckily, I’ve got skin as thick as a rhino and I fully understand that nobody has a fountain of youth hidden in their backyard.

The funny thing is, people are generally not trying to be rude. They are just making observations, sometimes without realising how they sound.

Some of the other comments my TV colleagues and I regularly cop include: “I thought you’d be taller.” “Wow, you look different without make-up.” But as far as unintentional humour goes, my favourite is always when a punter has noticed that so-and-so “wasn’t wearing her wedding ring on the news last night. Is there trouble in paradise, Barra?”

“No my friend, thanks for noticing though Sherlock,” is generally my response, said with a big smile, of course. The other question that is sometimes trickier to answer is:

“So is the 6pm news live or not?” I often answer, “Ohh yes it is, it would be pretty silly for us to replay me trying to get my tongue around the name of those Polish tennis stars like Iga Swiatek.”

In case you didn’t know, Polish names often don’t have direct English equivalents. I’m sure Polish people also look at English names and wonder why we have letters in words that apparently aren’t required to be pronounced.

I’m looking at you, Worcestershire sauce.

And finally, I’d like to finish this column by saluting a living legend of STM.

In my eyes, Katherine Fleming is the Ita Buttrose of this magazine. She has been such an important part of STM’s success, bringing professionalism, warmth, creativity and a wonderful sense of humour to every edition.

Kath, every great publication has someone who makes everyone else look better and somehow managed to make me appear smarter, funnier and more organised than I really am. Thank you for everything you’ve given this magazine and for your patience with those of us who needed a little extra editing.