Nat Locke: How some self-tumbling boots got me thinking back about my own alarming recall experience

I saw one of those product recalls the other day, and it struck fear into my very heart because the fault in question caused people to fall over.

It was a particular pair of hiking boots that had a fundamental flaw.

Some bright spark had popped a hook at the top of the laces, presumably to keep the laces in place, but for some people, this hook would actually catch on the laces of the boot on the other foot, resulting in general tumbling over. It’s a tough way to appreciate the power of gravity.

Now, I’ve done a bit of hiking in my time, and these boots would definitely add to the degree of difficulty. The last thing I need is my footwear plotting my demise when I’m plodding along a rough track up a big hill. And mark my words, there is absolutely no doubt that I would have been the first person to fall over in them.

The weird thing is that I never would have thought to blame the boots, though.

I would’ve blamed my own stupendous clumsiness because as you all well know, I have considerable form in this department. My extensive back catalogue of fallings over suggests that if I was to go within ten feet (pardon the pun) of these particular hiking boots, I would’ve been on crutches within milliseconds. I broke my ankle at the staff Christmas party while dressed as Dennis Lillee, remember.

Happily, I was unaffected by this particular product recall.

But there was a time when I was one of the first people to report a fault that eventually led to a recall, so basically, I think we can all agree I’m a significant historical figure.

It’s a story that goes back a few years, but it involved my car. It was a great car, but started to develop a habit whereby it just stopped going.

Obviously, this a fairly fundamental flaw when it comes to the baseline expectations of a vehicle, given that they are certainly more useful if they do, in fact, go. And it wasn’t that it didn’t start (that was a different car).

What I experienced was that while happily driving along, it would just suddenly stop. All the lights on the dashboard would come on and the engine would die.

At first it happened as I was slowing down to go around corners. So I figured the answer was just not to slow down around corners. I’m quite the problem-solver. And then it would happen at any time. It was the car equivalent of that golden retriever who just lies down because it doesn’t want to go home from the park.

So I took it to a mechanic because I am a responsible car owner, and the mechanic nodded at me sagely and tinkered around for a bit. Then he took it for a test drive, declared it fixed and charged me $1800.

And we all lived happily ever after.

Just kidding.

Then it happened again while I was doing 80 km/h in the tunnel. For a brief moment, I was the reason the tunnel caution lights started flashing. Thanks to the people who tooted at me, by the way. That was a really helpful addition to my predicament. Because of course I just stopped in the tunnel as a hilarious prank on my fellow motorists. Insert eye roll here.

The antidote in these sorts of alarming situations was pretty technical. I had to wait a bit, then press the button to restart the car. Yes, my car was literally turning itself off and then I would turn it on again. It’s the IT department’s cure all.

Ultimately, I took it back to the dealer who seemed as surprised as I was, but they held onto it for a while and investigated fully, and eventually fixed it for me at their expense. Don’t we all love a happy ending?

A while later, I read a news story about how this particular model of car was being recalled because it had a fault whereby it would just stop working. Oh my God, I thought. Was I the first?

I’ll never know and they haven’t sent me a plaque, so I guess it doesn’t count as a noteworthy achievement.

But I’d like to get together with the first person to trip over their own feet in those hiking boots. We’ve got a lot in common.