One of my biggest regrets in this life is not being born into aristocracy. What a massive oversight on my behalf. I couldn’t even manage being landed gentry or a nepo baby. I’m so disappointed in myself. Perhaps I’ve watched too many episodes of Downton Abbey, but I really think I could’ve embraced that lifestyle. Except for the corsets. But having a lady maid who would lace me into them? Yes please.

The mere idea of having a legion of staff to attend to my every whim fills me with delight. I would love to not have to think about going to the shops or what I’m going to wear or whether the horse is saddled and ready to go.

It’s a sad reality, therefore that I don’t even have a downstairs where a ruddy-cheeked housekeeper could bake pies for me. Instead, I’m damned to do my own housework for all of eternity (without being dramatic about it, or anything).

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Hey Nat, why don’t you just get a cleaner?”

Well, dear reader. I can’t. You see, I have a pathological problem that prevents me from hiring someone to do a job that I’m technically capable of doing myself. I know. I’m as disappointed as you are.

Somewhere along the line, the thought was implanted in me that if I’m physically able, I should do the thing. Whether that thing is painting a wall, vacuuming or folding the sizeable mountain of clean laundry that is currently residing in my bath (it’s a long story). Would I love it if someone waltzed in and did it all for me? Hell yes. Are there people who do this for a living? Also yes. But the fact that there is no good reason preventing me from doing said task except my own procrastinating ways, means I’m forever sentenced to stare at that pile of washing, wondering.

I once met a woman who worked as one of the nannies for an incredibly wealthy family in New York. As well as a posse of nannies (night and day for each kid, can you imagine?), the household employed a laundress. A laundress! Someone whose sole job was to do the washing and fold it up afterwards. Presumably, she was a whizz at stain removal and ironing pleats and who wouldn’t want that?

In fact, if I wasn’t so hamstrung by my own ludicrous standards and beliefs, I would have a staff member to do just about everything.

There’d be a gardener, for starters. Not that I have huge rambling grounds or anything, but I do love the idea of a lush garden with the occasional fruit-bearing tree and birds and butterflies flitting about. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm for gardening is limited to going to Bunnings, buying a bunch of plants and slowly watching them die. Occasionally I watch Instagram reels of successful gardeners and try to absorb their wisdom, which is mostly fertiliser-related. But because I know it’s actually one of those pursuits that just requires a bit of grunt work and water I guess, I’m incapable of outsourcing it. So here we are. Looking at a big patch of bare sandy dirt in the corner of my yard.

I’d be pretty happy to never have to load and unload the dishwasher again, too. I mean, I do appreciate the fact that there’s a magical cupboard that cleans my dishes in the first place, but having to load and unload it is just SO tedious.

And look, if I’m going to live in a fantasy world where outside help is catering to my every need, I’d be happy to not have to wash my own hair anymore. Mainly because professionals do a considerably better job of taming my tresses than I do. And yet, here I am, diffusing my own wet locks like a savage.

And so, despite my obvious qualifications for the aristocratic life, I remain resolutely middle class, doing my own laundry and gardening and wondering why nobody has invented a dishwasher that also puts everything away. Perhaps this is my real problem: I have the expectations of a duchess and the domestic staff of a possum. Still, I live in hope. If I ever win Lotto, I won’t tell anyone. But there will be signs. A laundress for starters.

Until then, you’ll find me watching another potted lime tree wither and die, which is way more productive than folding laundry. I think we can all agree on that.